Log in

No account? Create an account
Barbara Dutton Henrickson
02 September 2007 @ 11:32 pm
After my trip to Chicago to visit Abby (who is such a lovely person and so kind) I decided to take her advice on something. I called the bishop from our old ward. I've gone back to church. It's hard. There are stares and whispers behind my back. Everyone looks at me with either pity or mild disgust, maybe distrust. But I'm trying. I'm hanging in there.

I told Bill that if I couldn't be number one, be THE wife then it was over. I can't live with him wanting a fourth wife. Weber Gaming...gambling! It's just so wrong and goes against everything I thought we as a whole believed in. He actually wanted me to take a seat on the board for Weber. No. Just no. I can't do that. Yet again trying to pit me against Margene or Nicki. He promised her Weber (and she can have it, really) and now wants me to oversee that too?

I've all ready been accused of making her my baby machine, I'm getting called names for that too. She wants Weber and those 'normal' people, fine. She can throw all the dinner parties she likes with them. Maybe this Ana woman can be her babysitter. I won't even get into her 'calling' of being a surrogate for the neighbors.

We've moved out of the house. I'm using the monthly allowance from Bill's paycheck to rent a two bedroom apartment. It's small and the girls are sharing a room, but it's not bad. Sarah's boyfriend, Scott, helped us move some of the furniture over. Cindy has actually started calling me on the phone. She wants to have lunch next week.

I've talked to the principle of the school I subbed at last year and it looks like I may have another subbing job come late fall. I'm glad, though it's going to make finishing my own classes harder. It's a job though and better than having to rely on Bill. He's not pleased, of course. He's giving me the silent treatment when we are around each other. And he has Benny wanting to stay with them.

Ben is breaking my heart. I make him stay with me on the weekends at least. He has to sleep here. I'm not going to lose my son over this. I won't. Sarah's much happier though, we talk now. More than we have been. She's not ready to go back to church with me, but at least she smiles now.

I'm worried about Teenie. She misses her brothers. I took her with me when I went back for some things, thought that playing with Wayne for a while would cheer her up. Margene was clueless as usual and chattering away about nonsense. Nicki? She's acting angry but I know she's hurt. If I'm being honest, I miss her. We've been through a lot together. I don't miss Margene at all, I've never had anything in common with her beyond sharing a husband.

Oh this is such a mess. I'm sorry to whomever has read through all of this. I'm trying to figure out where I am and where I need to go. How to best get there. I want to be the me that I was before I got sick. That it has to be me without Bill still scares me. I love him. I miss him, but I think I miss the him from before I was sick more than I miss who he is now.
Current Mood: draineddrained
Barbara Dutton Henrickson
08 August 2007 @ 01:17 am

Sometimes I really enjoy shopping on line.
Barbara Dutton Henrickson
05 August 2007 @ 08:01 pm
If he thinks he is adding a fourth wife, ooooh!

She'll sleep in the basement and she is NOT getting any of my nights.

She can have Margie's nights since Margie likes to poach on my time. And if Margene's is so willing to have a fourth wife, she can sleep in HER basement.

I know I said I wasn't mad this time, but oh I am so angry at her. She slept with him on my night. In front of the open window too, according to Nikki. Not to mention we all have to HEAR her with him. Then she won't back me up when I put my foot down? No, she even goes and tattles on us to Bill. She is such a child. I'm married to a child.

Bill wants his 'me time' and that's going to take away time from the children too, you'd think Margene would at least care about that. These kids need to spend time with him, I think Ben's problems have made that crystal clear.

That's it. I'm making Margie come shopping with me tomorrow.
Current Mood: angryangry
Barbara Dutton Henrickson
04 August 2007 @ 12:22 am
I was looking through our calendar, making some notes and adjustments to the schedule (I'm not getting into that again, it just makes me so gosh darned angry) and I realized something.

It's been five years. Five years. I've reached that one big milestone of being cancer free for five years. They say that's when you are considered cured. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm happy of course, to be healthy. I think maybe this is part of why I've felt this push lately to be...more. Go back to school. Make changes. Stop fooling myself about Bill.

[locked from everyone save Abby]

I don't feel like I'm free from cancer though, which makes it hard to celebrate. Physically, I'm fine. The doctors did their job and removed every last bit of it. My uterus, my ovaries are gone and the disease too. I came to terms with that, I think, when Nikki had Wayne. I don't get to make any more babies with my husband.

But this life, this marriage...The Principle. Polygamy. It's like cancer too, one that is eating my soul. It destroyed my marriage to Bill. My relationship with my mother and sister. My church. My happiness. Now I've realized what it's starting to do to my babies.

Benny, maybe I should just call him Ben now, he's not a baby. He's sixteen. And oh my gosh, how he broke my heart this week. He's been having sex with his girlfriend. Sex. He's sixteen. He doesn't know what he's doing. His spiritual center, his purity. Chastity...gone. I cried. I sat in the bathroom and cried as I heard him tell his father that he's a deviant. My baby boy. He feels dirty and wrong and hurt. I don't know how to tell him he's not.

I blamed Bill for this. He's our priesthood holder in this family. Our spiritual leader. It's his job to instill the RIGHT beliefs in our children. He didn't uphold his promise to us, to me, that he'd do this when we had to leave LDS. I trusted him with my babies. And now this has happened. And I let it. I'm just as much to blame as Bill, maybe more because I don't believe in what we are doing.

The Bishop from our old church came to see me about Ben. I hated to sit there and lie to the man I used to trust with everything. I told him things were fine. That I'm inactive because we haven't found the right church in Sandy. If I told him the truth I'd be excommunicated. I'd deserve it, but I couldn't bear it. So I lied. Again. I've become such a good liar in the last five years and it hurts me almost as much as anything else does. The Bishop told me I was welcome to come back to the church, I had a place there. I can't tell you how much I wanted to go with him.

Oh...I know this must all seem muddled and crazy but it's all tied together. Ben, the Bishop, Bill. We had to talk to Benny about the visit, about putting us all at risk of being caught. Bill had to talk to him about sex. About sin. And my Ben, my brave, tender-hearted baby, he thought he could fix this all by getting married. At sixteen. He doesn't even know what marriage is but he thinks he does. He wanted to marry the girl and save his soul. Then he said if she's not the one for him, it was okay. He'd just get a second wife later when he found someone he loves more than the first one.

That's how he see
. His mother is someone his father didn't love enough so he brought home another wife. He doesn't know, he doesn't understand any of this. The Principle his father believes in, he hasn't taught his son anything about it. It's just sex to him. Is that all it is to Bill too?

I feel like I'm in a nightmare I can't wake up from. I have to wake up.


I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to make it official, but it's been five years. It's sort of liberating.
Current Mood: indescribableindescribable
Barbara Dutton Henrickson
03 August 2007 @ 07:52 pm
What have I done?
Current Mood: distresseddistressed
Barbara Dutton Henrickson
20 July 2007 @ 08:35 pm
She's done it. Barb smiles to herself as she settles into her assigned window seat. Coach, it's cramped but she doesn't even mind. She's going to Chicago. To meet her friend. Singular. She has a friend...a normal, non-sisterwife, non-polygamous friend. Someone she can just be Barb around. Herself.

Almost childishly giddy from the excitement of it all, she plays with the printed copy of her hotel reservations. An entire weekend of no worries. She's going to shop. Eat at restaurants. See the sights. And most importantly, have an honest heart to heart with Abby, try to sort out the chaos that her life has become.

Sarah has let Barb borrow her new iPod, a replacement for the one lost a few months ago. After fussing with the small pink device, Barb puts the earbuds in and settles back to enjoy Foreigner and Boston...all the way to Chicago. She's still humming "I Want To Know What Love Is" under her breath as she makes her way to the hotel's shuttle service at the airport. Grinning, she pulls out her cell phone and dials Abby's number.
Current Mood: rejuvenatedrejuvenated
Current Music: Ray Lamontagne - Till The Sun Turns Black 1
Barbara Dutton Henrickson
17 July 2007 @ 01:29 am
I can't sleep tonight. Bill was supposed to be here but Margie is having a tough time with the morning sickness this evening and the boys are a handful. I said he should go help her out. Ben volunteered, but I just am not comfortable with him sleeping somewhere other than his own bed.

So I'm awake and Teeny is sprawled across my bed. I'm going to miss it once she's too old to do that. She always has been my affectionate one. The cuddler.

I've been sorting through photographs and trying to put them into albums. I thought these might be fun to share...

The old me...Collapse )

My thoughts are so scattered right now. I keep thinking about before, how happy and easy life was. And I can't stop thinking about the complicated mess that we are dealing with right now...I thought the pictures would cheer me up. Somehow I feel more sad. And lonely.

I think Bill wants a fourth wife.
Barbara Dutton Henrickson
04 July 2007 @ 12:09 am
I think our family has just grown by another member.
Current Mood: determineddetermined
Current Music: Amy Winehouse - 01 Rehab
Barbara Dutton Henrickson
13 June 2007 @ 12:28 am
From: Barb@HenricksonHomePlus.com
To: Abby Dubenko <alockhart@ccgh.com>
Date: June 12, 2007
Subject: Catching Up


I know it's not proper letter etiquette, but I just cannot address something as "Dear Abby" to you. How are you, sweetie? I feel like a louse for not keeping in better touch with you. I've just been so...

Distracted, maybe? I've been swimming a lot, developed a love of crossword puzzles and Bill says it's depression. Everyone else thinks I'm just acting nutty.

I think...I think maybe I want to go back to school, a Masters Program. In social work. Is that crazy, at my age? I'm 43. But I need a change. Something for me. Am I nutty?

Current Mood: confusedconfused
Barbara Dutton Henrickson
26 September 2006 @ 01:59 am
I had uterine cancer seven years ago and it metastasized. A radical hysterectomy and brutal doses of chemotherapy still left me feeling, and believing, that I was going to die. I had to let another woman into my life, into my family. I had to because I could no longer take care of my children, run my household and be a wife to my husband. I couldn’t even care for myself in the beginning.

I had conversations with God, with Death. I bargained. Let my family be all right. Let this younger, blonde woman love them and care for them all as if they were her own. Let my husband find love and solace again. Let all of that be and I’d meet the Father with a feeling of peace.

Here’s the funny, maybe ironic, thing: I obviously didn’t die. I got better. Recovered. But I think that God was listening to me back then anyway. Those conversations, the bargains I offered to make. How do I know this? I got everything I asked for. My family is all right. Nikki Grant does love my children and Bill found love again. With her and now with Margie.

The only thing I didn’t get was the feeling of peace in my soul. Maybe I asked for too much. Or was it not enough?
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative